Renesmee and Albus Severus: Funny Love Story
by Forever Tragically Torn
Summary: For all the Fanpire Potterhead hybrids out there. Funny, I promise! Renesmee Cullen now appears to be 18 and meets Albus Severus son of the famous Harry Potter. They fall in love. What happens when the Cullens meet the Potters? CH.4 in EDWARDS POV is up!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N- I don't own the characters**_

Ch. 1 Renesmee Meets Albus Severus

Renesmee Cullen was now seven years old and visiting London by herself. Okay, so she held the appearance and mentality of an eighteen year old. She was walking along the street passed a clothing store when she saw something that made her shriek.

"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed running up to a five foot six stranger with black hair in front of her. "Are you Daniel Radcliffe?"

He turned to face her he had brilliant green eyes. _Damn, _she thought. Daniel Radcliffe had blue eyes. Blue eyes he couldn't even get contacts for when he was in Harr-

"No," he said. He looked apprehensive, but there was something else now – attraction.

"Yeah, I was just hopeful I guess." She gave him a half smile that made his heart flutter.

"Do you wanna get a drink with me? I was just headed to the Leaky Cauldron."

"Sure," she grinned hugely.

They walked into a pub that Renesmee hadn't even realized she'd entered, _cool, _she thought.

"Can I get two butterbeers, please," he asked.

"Actually, do you have pumpkin juice?" Renesmee asked.

"A butterbeer and a pumpkin juice coming up," said the bar tender. He had was wearing a sticker that said "Hello, My Name is Tom Marvalo Riddle. Got you! It's just Tom."

They found a table next to a rather attractive hag.

"So how do you know about pumpkin juice?" The boy asked confused.

"Well I read this book once and it was about this boy named Harry Potter-"

"OME!" He shouted. "That's my dad."

"You mean it's real? That pretty hag behind you...she's really a hag?"

"Yes," he said earnestly.

"Oh," she was so happy. She suddenly wondered who this boy was then. Was he in the books?

"So what's _your_ name?"

"Albus Severus," he said.

She snorted. "Are you serious? Where did your parents get that from?"

"I thought you said you read the books," he said defensively.

"I did...when I was a Potter Head. But I kind of lost interest after..."

"After what?" He demanded.

"I became a fanpire or twilighter or twihard or whatever the hell you wanna call me," She said.

He scowled. "I was just starting to get my hopes up to, now I find out your a _freak_pire!"

"Oh that's original, _Pothead_," she exclaimed.

"I don't smoke pot!"

"Your _mom _smokes pot."

"Yeah, well, your mom _sucks_!"

"So?" She asked.

Tom set down there drinks and walked away.

Renesmee reached into her bag and brought out a piece of road kill. She squeezed at it's until blood fell from it's wounds into her pumpkin juice.

Albus Severus wrinkled his nose.

"That's the reality of it, makes everything yummy!" Renesmee said.

"I guess we all have our quirks," he sighed.

"So are you going to tell me how you got your name?"

"I was named after a wise ol' gay man and a thirty-seven year old, greasy nosed virgin," he said cheerfully.

"Ah," she said. "And your parents are they...I mean did they spend anytime in a mental home or anything-"

"Hey, my parents were not in St. Mungos! _My _parents have magical blood!"

"Well, _my _parents would suck _your _parents blood, and _like it_!"

His jaw dropped and tears came to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, that was rude... and untrue. My parents are vegetarians!"

**_A/N- More to come. Please Review!!_**


	2. Chapter 2

Renesmee Cullen was now seven years old and visiting London by herself

**A/N: Don't own anything in here! **

**Please Review.**

Ch. 2 Nessie and Albus Severus Take the Next Step

Albus Severus and Renesmee finished their drinks in silence. Tom came and cleared there table.

"So, what's your name, now that you've made fun of mine..." Albus Severus sulked.

"Renesmee," she said.

"Runemmy, and you bloody make fun of me!" Renesmee giggled. He said bloody, it was funny.

"It's Renesmee, but you can call me Nessie," she said.

"So is that what you are? Spawn of the Lockness Monster?" He asked.

Nessie glared at him for a moment and then her expression turned sad. "Well, that's what half the people that read Breaking Dawn thought." She sniffed sadly.

"Oh, I heard about that! The Breaking Dawn Forrest Fires," he said, suddenly understanding.

"Yes, how anyone can burn a book..." she sighed.

"But you didn't answer my question," said Albus Severus, "what _are_ you?"

"A hybrid," she said.

"Oh, that's sweet. I just got a civic hybrid and-"

"How is that possible? There is no UK Civic hybrid!" She said.

"I have the American one," he said defensively.

"The steering wheel's on the wrong side!" She exclaimed.

"Well if the guy that delivers the post can do it why can't I?" He asked.

"You know, angry British guys are kind of hot," she said.

"Pale American girls are kinda...freaky...But I like freaky," he grinned deviously.

_Merlin's Beard!_, Nessie thought, _I think I just imprinted...I guess it's a delayed reaction when a demonic human vampire hybrid does it! Poor Jake..._

"Albus Severus, son of the great man who befriends greasy nosed thirty-seven year old virgins and loving homosexuals – I think I love you!" She clapped a hand over her mouth, _oops_, she thought.

"OME, I love you too," he said.

Albus Severus got down on one knee and grabbed Nessie's hand from where she sat in her chair.

"Renesmee – I don't know your last name – Beautiful, Pale, American, Freak, won't you marry me?"

"Yes, Yes," she exclaimed.

He pulled a ring out of his pocket and held it up about to put it on her finger –

"Wait," she said looking at the ring closely. It was gold and had small engravings around it. "Is that from Lord of the Rings?"

He looked down at the ring and saw that it was the wrong one. "Ahhh, for the love of shape-shifters," he muttered, tossing the ring into the near-by fire place.

"Here," he said, slipping the real ring on her finger.

"It's beautiful!" She excalaimed. The ring held a large stone that had a crack down the middle of it. On either side of the crack was a curious symbol of a triangle encasing a circle encasing a line. "Where did you get it?!"

"I was out in the forbidden forrest meeting my secret Owl Post Pal Iriana and I found it! She was passing through and wanted directions on how to get to Volterra," he said. "I haven't heard from her in a while. I _do _hope she's okay."

Nessie gasped. "Oh dear Albus Severus. I'm afraid I witnessed your pen pal's death!"

"No," he cried. "Fricken Voldie Balls!" The rest of his words were obscured by violent sobs.

She hugged him. He smelt kind of nice...kind of _tasty_. She was about to dig her razor sharp teeth into his neck when he pulled away.

"Don't worry about me. I'm okay, I'm okay. It just hurts you know, like, like Charlie the Unicorn rammed his majestic white horn into my very heart," he whimpered.

"Oh!" She said, "that _does_ hurt. He did that to me one time. We were on a bridge, and I was like 'Charlie, we're on a bridge Char-'"

"Shhhh, what if he's listening?!" Albus Severus exclaimed.

"Oh, right!" She collected herself.

"So, what now, should we elope?" Albus Severus asked.

"Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, _no_. You must take this," she handed him the ring back, "and pretend like I didn't already accept, and ask my father's permission."

It looked like he had gone into shock. Nessie put her hand to his face and used her gifts to show him pictures of Rosalie fixing her BMW in the nude. He snapped out of it and then she slapped him.

"Sorry," he said, blushing.

"So we'll leave for Washington today?"

"You live in the capital?"

"No it's a state, idiot," she said.

"Oh...okay sure. I've never been to the U.S. before," he said.

"Yay! I'm so excited. I bet my dear Aunty Alice already sees us coming!"

"Right...So Nessie if you're a hybrid...what exactly are you a combination of? I mean your parents aren't bloody hinky punks or blast ended skrewts, right?"

"No, silly. My soul mate's a werewolf, though!" She said.

"Your _what_?

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed that! More soon. If you don't know what Charlie the Unicorn is type it in on You Tube! You won't regret it. **

**Please Review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- So this isn't my best chapter but it's essential to get to the best ones to come. Please review!! **

**Next chapter you get Edward's point of view**

Nessie and Albus Severus were on a plane to Washington to meet her parents. She had been ignoring his most pressing questions but knew it was time to give him the whole story.

"Albus Severus, there _are _some things you should know," she said.

"Yeah, I figured as much," he said grouchily.

"Well, first off, my parents didn't exactly know before hand...about this trip. I kind of left them a note-"

"You _what_?! They're going to blame me!" He exclaimed.

"No they won't," she sighed, _yes they would_. "Okay, you should also know they're vampires-"

"They're _what_?! They're going to blame me _and _suck my blood! I thought you were a hybrid," he said.

"Well, I am," she said, "my mom was a human when they conceived. And they won't suck your blood, silly. Remember Lily's blood runs in your veins, you're good!"

"That's just wrong about you're mom, and second my grandma's blood protected Papa H from Voldemort not a pack of rabid vampires," he said.

She made a face, "They aren't rabid, and I have a theory about Voldemort. I think he was a vampire!"

"That's stupid!" He said, "he could perform magic."

"Yes, but maybe he was a wizard-vampire hybrid! I don't think a spell or potion brought him back in book 4, I think he was bitten by a vampire! You see, he meets their description. He was pale, he had red eyes, he was cold (well I'm assuming), and OME drop dead sexy-"

"He's _what_? He had slits for a nose!"

"Well, if he looks anything like the movie adaptation of him, ahhh I would just eat him up! I've always been Team Voldie," she said.

_Freak! _He thought.

"So what about your werewolf soul mate?" He asked.

"Okay, so he's actually a shape shifter and his entire world revolves around me because he imprinted on me," she said. Nessie went on to explain what imprinting was.

"So he's not a big guy is he, I mean if I don't get my blood sucked, what are my chances of survival?" He asked gloomily.

She laughed, "He won't hurt you. He's like an overgrown puppy dog."

"Oh," he sighed with relief.

"I'll show you," she held up her hand and touched his cheek.

Images flashed by of Nessie as a small child to the day before she left home. Albus Severus was scared out of his fricken pott head mind. In all of her relaying images the soul mate was a nearly seven foot tall muscled man who indeed looked like his whole world revolved around the demonic freak next to him.

"I'm dead," he shrieked.

"You can be such a whiny little mandrake!" She looked upset. "Now shut up, I'm going to call my dad to pick us up at the airport." She grabbed the phone off the back of the seat in front of her.

"Daddy, it's Nessie-"

"Renesmee! Are you alright? My poor baby girl!"

"Dad, I'm fine don't freak-"

"Where are you?" Edward's voice grew a degree sharper.

"Can you pick me up at the airport in Seattle?" She asked.

"Of course. Nessie you are in so much trouble! The minute you get off that plane you're going straight home to your room. No books! No playing Harry Potter Scene It with Uncle Jasper! And absolutely NO JACOB BLACK!" Edward gave an evil cackle after the last punishment.

"That's just fine with me...except for the locked up thing...and playing Harry Potter Scene It...!" Nessie was angry now, she wasn't a child and she needed to get Jasper back for last time... forget asking Edward's permission. "But that's not the point, you see Daddy, I'm engaged! And not to Jacob Black!"

Nessie heard a gasp on the line. "What did you just say?" He asked darkly.

"I'm engaged to Albus Severus Potter!" She declared. In the background she could hear different members of her family reacting to the news they could hear with their super hearing.

Jacob was wailing, "No! NO! Not my life! Nessie, my life."

She could hear her mother, Bella, slapping Jake for calling her Nessie.

Rosalie was laughing at Edward and Jacob, both.

Alice was screeching, "Ooooo, another wedding!"

Jasper was singing, "I'm gonna meet Albus Severus Potter! I'm gonna meet Albus Severus Potter!" He'd read each of the books at least 200 times, what else was there to do when you're immortal?

Emmett was shouting, "I can take him, Edward, and his accio crap too!"

Esme sounded delighted, "Awww, my Nessie in love!"

"Crap," said Carlisle, "another mismatched pair."

"Renesmee," her father said finally, "We're picking you up at the airport and then we'll discuss where to go from there." His voice was hard.

"I love you Daddy," she whimpered.

He sighed, "I love you too Nessie."

**A/N- Again, not my best chapter, just setting it up for what's to come. Please review!!**

**Next chapter's Edward's POV**


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N- Someone suggested E POV and I'm glad they did, cause it was so fun to write. Enjoy and please review, suggestions welcome! Also if you want me to keep going let me know! Thanks._**

Edward's POV:

I hung up my cell phone and put my head in my hands. My Nessie went from being practically engaged to a dog to being engaged to some sort of witch man. This was too much. I wanted to kill all of the boys who kept stealing her heart...maybe I would.

Everyone was looking at me, silent (except for Jasper who was still chanting about meeting the witch man).

"Alright, we're leaving for the air port in twenty minutes. If you are not ready I _will _leave without you," I said.

Instantly I heard everyone's thoughts go to what they would wear.

Bella and Rosalie exchanged winks, they were going to wear their best friend t-shirts. The others still weren't sure.

I ran back to our cottage to find a simple collard shirt. Something that would say, _Curse you witch man, my family's expensive, classy taste is above you, you don't have a chance!_

I went to the gigantic closet Alice put together for Bella and I.

_Dammit! _I thought, _laundry day._

My closet was empty nothing. I went back into the bedroom and searched through my Breaking Dawn hate mail drawer, I thought I'd gotten a package with a t-shirt in it. I found it and quickly pulled it on without looking at it. The faster I got ready, the less likely any of them would be able to come, and the _more _likely no one would try to stop me when I tore the witch man limb from limb...

I made it into the living room and was disapointed to find everyone was dressed and ready. Our clothes weren't going to touch the statement I'd wanted them to make. Alice's thoughts were in the same direction.

Rosalie's shirt read:

I hate Bella

I know I'm stella

But she made me an aunty

So I won't freeze her panties

Bella' shirt read:

Alice ditched me

Even though Rose is a B/tch to me

I love her more

BFFs 4 sure.

Jasper was wearing his Lumos Maxima t-shirt

Emmet shirt read:

Eddie and Bellie

Sittin' in a tree

Making whoo-oo-oo-oo-oopi!

(and demonic hybrids)

Carlisle's had a picture of dice on it and said "I'm betting on Alice."

Jacob was still sobbing, his shirt read _They fight; Paris falls._ from Romeo and Juliet.

This was going to be hell.

I ran to the car, maybe they hadn't seen me yet. I was in the front seat about to pull out when I noticed they'd all snuck in the car behind me. The car seated eight, I wondered where Jacob had gotten to.

As I sped down the drive way I could hear yelling and troubled thoughts. I laughed. Jacob was holding onto the roof of the car.

We made it into the terminal fast, getting past security easily. It was only then that someone finally noticed my shirt.

Alice was staring at it shaking her head, _you're just as bad as the rest of them, _she thought.

I looked down at my shirt. For the love of Acid Pops, my shirt was the worst by far, in pink it said:

Jacob, Imprint on Me Anytime!

Emmett noticed, "Hey little Jakie poo, don't worry about losing Nessie, Edward will have you!"

Everyone pointed and laughed and threw rocks. Except for Jake who kept sobbing and Jasper who was running around in circles chanting, "I get to meet Albus Severus Potter!"

"Emmett...Jake," I added hesitantly, "come here for a moment." When they were close, as quietly as I could I said, "Look as intimidating as you possibly can. Don't smile, and flex your muscles a lot. We'll get this little witch man to pee his pants and away no problem. Will you help me?"

_witch man? _Emmett thought, _seriously Edward, witch man? _

"Will you help?" I demanded. Jacob had already nodded. I hadn't wanted to team up with him but I knew he'd be willing, maybe even deadly. If he killed him, the witch man would be dead and Nessie would never forgive Jacob and we'd all live happily ever after.

"I'm in," Emmett finally agreed.

I sighed. Their plane was landing. As they came up the tunnel my tunnel my super sweet hearing picked up their voices.

"Is there anything else I should know?" The witch man asked.

"Well," my beautiful Nessie hesitated, "my dad can read your mind."

"Fricken Voldie Boxers! I'm dead, I'm so dead."

I had frogotten I could read minds, darn it I'd missed valuable time, I could have read his thoughts.

_I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. OME, can he hear me right now? I don't want to give him any ideas...oh that felt good, the way Nessie touched my back, it makes me want to –_

He was dead.

Alice grabbed me by the arm, one of her visions had revealed the results of my unformulated plan. _Edward, you are not going to kill that boy _and _you are not going to do it by shoving his wand up his –_

I nodded. The vampires and our faithful mutt stood anxiously as we heard them approaching the doors.

Nessie ran into her mothers arms where she was hugged by Alice, Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie.

Emmett, Jacob, and I stood in a row glaring at the witch man with our arms crossed. He was short. He was scared. All he could do was stand there looking at us without Nessie next to him to hold his hand.

Jasper was still chanting when he realized that Albus Severus Potter himself was standing there.

He ran right up to him and then froze. His thoughts were jumbled and incoherent.

He held out his hand in greeting. The witch man extended his hand which Jasper took in both of his.

Slowly, calmly, quietly, Jasper said, "Albus Severus Potter, I am your biggest fan."

The witch man's forehead crinkled, "Thank you?"

Jasper leaned in and kissed each of his cheeks. _Magical blood smells spicy, _he noted. Indeed it did. Maybe I'd sample it.

Everyone's attention shifted to where Nessie and Jake stood. She had finally noticed him sobbing.

"Jake," she whispered, "this will all work out I promise. You see I sort of imprinted on Albus Severus, it wasn't a conscious choice. We'll work this out, even if we have to make it at threesome."

The witch man's head turned _very, very, _dirty. I did not want to see him doing that with Jacob for and I definetly did _not _want to picture them doing _that _with my daughter.

Yes, this was definetly hell. And why the in Merlin's most baggiest underpants did Bella look so happy? _I want to _fricken _read_ _her mind!_

**_A/N- REVIEW PLEASE! Any suggestions are welcome!_**


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